First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
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I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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