85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
