I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
