imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
