im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just tell him i said nine months
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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