I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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