my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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