everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
