apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
