you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
