There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
