How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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