I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
do herpes really smell.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
