I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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