I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
