My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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