ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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