Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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