I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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