Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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