he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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