exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Pooping to opera.
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