They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
