youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
