his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
