I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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