i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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