Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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