I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
