hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
