I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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