so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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