Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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