i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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