sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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