U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Randomize
