Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
