90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
