i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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