What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
