remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
