Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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