woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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