Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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