Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
