My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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