I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
