There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
