i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
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it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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