i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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