god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
