i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
