I will die if light touches me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
