Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize