Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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