I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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