I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
