bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
