All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
